If You Ever Meet Edward Elric
by AdventureAddict
Summary: Oneshot. Not that it will ever happen, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared, right? 100 things you shouldn't do while hanging around a certain blond alchemist.


If you ever meet Edward Elric, remember **not** to:

1. Tell him about how you're his biggest fan.

2. Mention that he looked taller on TV.

3. Follow him around like a lost puppy.

4. Constantly ask him when he's going to go visit Roy.

5. Stare at him for hours on end.

6. Freak out.

7. Ask for his autograph.

8. Make a radio show about his tragic past, and guest star Armstrong as well.

9. Offer him one of the pixie sticks in your pockets.

10. Have sudden 'brilliant' ideas for fanfics while hanging around him.

11. Try to get him dressed in a schoolgirl uniform.

12. Give him coffee.

13. Try to make him and Roy/Envy/Winry/Al to make out.

14. Show him all the 1001 pictures of him you constantly keep by your side.

15. Spill milk on his half-eaten slice of pizza.

16. 'Accidentally' break his automail while he's sleeping just to see Winry freak out.

17. Mention his dad.

18. Get him drunk.

19. Act like someone in a 'girls gone wild' video.

20. Mooch him for all he's worth.

21. Pick fights with him.

22. Ask him how Harry Potter is doing.

23. Mention Harry Potter at all.

24. Decide that you can play with his watch because you're 'special.'

25. Tell him you know every secret about his life, and then demonstrate by reciting a complete biography.

26. Pull out a Thesaurus and look up 'short.'

27. Decide to start singing '100 Bottles of Milk on the Wall.'

28. Do a blow-by-blow commentary when he's in a fight.

29. Wax his eyebrows while he's sleeping.

30. Tell him he's not short, he's 'Fun size.'

31. Ask him if he's ever seen any unicorns during his travels.

32. Faint from sheer excitement.

33. Tell him that sugar can stunt growth.

34. Take everyone to Six Flags, only to discover that Ed is too short to ride any of the roller coasters.

35. Mention that you have a tape measure in your purse.

36. Throw his boots on top of the roof.

37. Challenge him to a banjo duel.

38. Give him a set of fake cat ears and a tail to put on.

39. Offer him a piggyback ride.

40. Ask for a piggyback ride.

41. Ask him to get something off the top shelf in a supermarket without alchemy.

42. Try to make him wear the military uniform.

43. Get yogurt as a treat for everyone, and say "tough luck" if they don't like it.

44. Wave enthusiastically at Hughes or Armstrong whenever they're nearby.

45. Learn to play the bagpipes in his presence.

46. Tell him to fix your fingernail with alchemy if you chip it.

47. Ask a million questions about alchemy.

48. Ask him to play hopscotch or jump rope with you.

49. Read over his shoulder.

50. Show him any fanfic.

51. Say his long hair makes him look like a girl.

52. Wave chocolate over his head.

53. Find something you can beat him at, and then challenge him.

54. Make sure Al stops him from cheating in said competition.

55. Poke him while he's sleeping.

56. Hop around on one foot all day and don't tell him why you're doing it.

57. Pretend his braid is reins for a magical carriage.

58. Pour water on a book.

59. Make the librarian believes Ed damaged the book when she asks.

60. Call him immature when he sticks out his tongue.

61. Say the word "hobbit" in his presence.

62. Put your hands over your ears and say "lalalala!"

63. Eat cottage cheese and mention how good it is.

64. Put make-up on him while he's sleeping.

65. Do the "I'm not touching you" routine.

66. Hide inside Al, then pop out and say, "Surprise, Brother!"

67. Give him women's lingerie as a gift.

68. French braid his hair.

69. Tell him Russell Tringham would make a good stunt double for him.

70. Well, he would be good if not for the height issue.

71. Tickle him.

72. Grab him around the waist and refuse to let go.

73. Pretend life is a Disney princess movie when he's around.

74. Mention how he and Roy would make a good couple.

75. Mention how he and Winry would make a good couple.

76. Mention how you and him would be the best couple of them all.

77. Force him into a dress.

78. Call Izumi and tell her the latest idiotic things he's done.

79. Force him to an anime convention.

80. Remind him he needs anger management classes.

81. Punch him for using logic.

82. Speak in meow language.

83. Pretend to be his mirror image.

84. Cling to his leg and don't let go for all you're worth.

85. Say he'd be very interesting to hang around if he were pregnant.

86. And no, not because he was the first male to do so.

87. Wear high heels.

89. And rub in his face that he can't because he's a boy.

90. Imitate Armstrong at opportune moments.

91. Or Roy if you're in a particularly good mood.

92. Say Envy's more of a man than him.

93. Wash his white boxers with his red coat.

94. Fall asleep on him every time you get the chance.

95. Never let him fall asleep first.

96. Duct tape him to the top of a lamppost.

97. Pretend that you've never seen something as amazing and wondrous as a door.

98. Steal his clothes and pretend you're him for as long as you can handle.

99. Don't share any of your chocolate, ever.

100. Act like the fangirl you probably are.


End file.
